p a t c h r i s

Looks like I'll be hearing this a lot this Christmas: https://youtu.be/nT-5cP4BeoI

Feeling tired as it is almost 2 in the morning. Had my weekly duty at the HQ. Many people going through pain. I may not know what to say or perhaps I said many wrong things but at the very least I was there to listen. People may not understand, or even worse, they may not even care. It seems normal that people do not know how to provide emotional support or try to understand mental health. Could it be true that many Asian parents don't know how to show love? It's been more than 1 year since I've been confirmed. I would like to believe that I've made a good difference in society. Just a small thing that's been done every week or once a month could make a big difference in somebody's world. It's nice to be able to talk to someone.

Just finished the final episode (so far) of the final season (so far) of BBC's Sherlock Holmes. I can't imagine how anyone, in reality, could have such keen vision and sharp mind. It's easy to make up. In contrast, it feels as though I am way on the other extreme, being a simple person and simple minded, too. Unkind people would say stupid. Stupid people would think they are smart in the same way that a drunk man would deny he isn't.

Imagine all the people you know who have kids and they are so devoted to make sure their children eat the right food, get all their jabs, finish their homework, go for their tuition, attend their music lessons and practise their violin every day. They also ensure their children develop good habits like sleeping on time, sit properly at the meal table, have good manners, greet elders respectably and perform their chores. Just like good children do. My standard of parenting is so poor that all I told myself was to be better than my parents, and just be around for my kids. I thought they'd turn out alright because I'd be a good influence and since I'm generally nice and kind and polite, they'd learn from their father and also pick up on being helpful and thoughtful at the same time.  Well, life had a thing coming for me. Turns out parenting doesn't work that way.

Obviously it's because there is nothing to read. I need to accept that I am not someone who's going to be posting anything regularly. There's just simply not going to be any routine that's going to get that going. 2020 feels like just a lost year for me. Being in a partial lock-down for more than 2 months due to COVID-19 and staying at home most of the time has left me aimless and confused. More confused that I was previously. Certainly not good for my mental well-being. My motto has been always to look forward and give yourself something to look forward to. It feels like that has been taken away from me somewhat. I started training for the StanChart KL Marathon early on and was happy with my consistency and progress. And then the race got cancelled. This was supposed to be the year I ran the full marathon again. Not to be. So now, here I am. Feeling flat and maybe getting depressed. I pray that I'll get out of this soon.